I dare not

I have so much to say right now...not good things about anything going on with me that I dare not type...so i wont...ill be back tho when im in a better ummmm "mood" shall we call it lol....

Sara with Santa 2010

Notice the cute hairbow, she lost it in the mall in 5 seconds!

 Shes looking at his teeth, I swear shes gonna be a dentist when she grows up!!!

 WAIT! ONE LAST WISH!

NO I MEAN JUST ONE MORE!!!!

Dec 10

Ive not blogged in awhile...alot going on and just havent had time or havent been able to...I had another hospital stay...wont bore you with details..but was there for "awhile" and my weight from eating "their" idea of an ADA diet as many of us know is HORRID!!! mashed potatos, rolls, corn , milk cereal with EVERY meal...i ended up back up to 310lbs BUT never fear...as of this morning i am back down to 293.6 so im happy about that...but thats after two weeks...so i guess thats not too shabby...anyway....not much going on NOW....I cant believe i now have 6 followers...wow im like a superstar...famous and all that...ill totally have to brush up on my spelling now!!!!!

Yall take care, Ill post again soon when something interesting happens lol....

Blah

Ive not felt well for the last couple of days..well actually since 1972...okay not really but since Thanksgiving...im sure ive not been poisoned...but just off and on not felt well....last night was bad....and this morning somewhat...was planning on hittin the gym...but just gonna hit the bed again after im done bloggin....not even gonna talk about weight or anything...Maybe its just my emotions hittin extra hard as usual around the holidays (we lost a son in 2004) as usual but they are more in body than mind this year...I dunno....

ANYWHO yall take care!

Nov 28

Was gonna blog this morning but i forgot...im old...brain farts...anyway this morning i actually stepped on the scale long enough for it to stop bouncing around and stop on my actually weight...down a couple of lbs...well i "think" i was at 300-299 all through Thanksgiving till day before yesterday...I just never let the scale actually "stop" well this morning after not eating much yesterday...I was .....drumroll pleeeeze.....294.6lbs...so yeah im okay with that and yeah its ALL water weight and I dont care and oh my "friend" decided to visit me this morning so im crampy and bi&chy and bloated a bit  so im VERY happy with that number lol....Ive been having some "phantom gallbladder" pain today off and on...well thats what i call it cause i got it taken out last year in June and I dunno what else is in that area....anyone know? Tell me please cause i dont wanna go to the doc just for her to tell me...."there isnt anything there to hurt" cause they all make me feel stupid enough as it is....Anywho...hope all is well to those who may read this...i hope at least one other person other than myself is reading this...who knows maybe this will become so popular someday that I will be on USA Today or ummm...whatever...yeah i can dream cant I? Take Care yall!

Nov 27

Hell No i did NOT go shopping on Black Friday..never had done that never will...I remember when i was little and went with my grandmother once and got lost...I was hollering "Grandma, Grandma" and 800 grey headed old ladies were all lookin at me...THAT was it for me...so Ill just wait till my usual Christmas Eve to do my shopping...well im not that bad but almost....

So its two days after Thanksgiving and YES im STILL EATING!!!! Like theres NEVER gonna be anything else to eat EVER!!!! Well not today yet cause its early...ive decided to fast today...to clean and clear...clean my body...ya know..water only (okay who am i lying to, im drinking a diet pepsi now but its close to water in a way...okay maybe not anyway........) but most deff to clear my mind......TRY to think of other things....today WONT be hard...already know that...day 1 never is...not till actual feelings of ACTUAL hunger hit...then i start to mentally think of food...till then im good...

Im not gonna hit the scale today...cause i know im still at roughly 300... I know i want to be to about 275 by New Years WHICH I know is doable if i stop FU#KING UP! AND AND AND starting hitting the gym again...its not like i was killing myself there anyway...i was doing a mile at between 2.4-3.0 mph usually no incline but sometimes up to 6% for a wee wee wee tiny bit on the treadmill then 2000 step on the recumbant crosstrainer then the weight rest machines...id end up being there roughly 70-90 mins...95% of the time i felt really good after and it really did help me...but im so freak lazy....anywho...guess im done here...

Take care to those who may be reading this...

Tue Nov 23

Alot has happened and im not really going to go into all of it here but...today the 5 year old its her last day of school till next Monday....shes been really sick with an upper resp. infection...but doing better...got some meds for her and her flu shot on the 11th....then the greatest ped doc in the world, the only doc she ever knew passed away 5 days after she and her sister saw him (she got a flu shot too)...it was a great shock...his services are today although im not going....They have a big huge thing in the paper (his Obit.) about his life and he was a very strong Christian man so that makes me happy....I may not be a Bible thumper but im happy I know where he is right now and Im sure it makes his family and friends feel better about his death too...however Wed (tomorrow) the youngest one has to see a new doc about her ADHD meds because she runs out Thurs and she CANT just stop taking them...they agreed to see us although no one will be in her old docs office at all till next monday so no way i can get any paperwork or anything so im glad they agreed to see her...but everyone knows in town about Dr. Burns passing away.

Ive been eating junk for a whole week and am just under 300 yet again...grrrrrrrrrrrrr....changing that as we speak...or as I type lol...havent been to the gym....GAWD what a waste of money....but really will get my butt back into gear about that...really did feel better after exercising...although i was the fattest person there...

Not doing much for Thanksgiving...Hubby is making a Ham...thats about it...just that...lol...no one wants anything else...hes building a new computer while hes on vacation so we will be back to having 3...computer nerds we are lol...

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone to happens to read this!!!!!!

Kiddo is Sicko

The 5 year old lil one is sick today and getting sicker so instead of drugging her up and sending her on to school like I have for the last 2 days ima take her to the Urgent Care place down the road and make sure its nothing bad....every year she used to get really sick...bronc and such till two years ago we had her tested for allergies and found out her main allergerns (yes i know i spell like crap) was to some kind of tree we dont have around here and horses which we have 4 living right behind us and some mold which is prolly everywhere around here...so shes done much better with nightly allergy meds....but this is a cold...a bad one with major coughing....she just had her flu shot on the 11th, and shes only had a low low grade says my hand temp so far...so anyway we shall see tomorrow...

Diet wise....ate bad today....feel horrible bloated. high blood sugar...extra insulin needed...will do better for the rest of the week...staying OFF the EVIL scales this week all week! TTYL

Not getting on the scale today

Yeah im not getting on the scale today cause im up cause of the weekend eating and ill only get upset so why bother...so ill tell you about my interesting weekend...well it wasnt that interesting but kinda to me anyway...

The other night took my 5 and 15 year old with me to the Dollar Gen. Yeah I do some high class shopping sometimes....well the lady there whom ive never seen and we go there ALOT says "take your things out of the basket and set it back over there blah blah..." my 15 year old having a bit of a mouth says weve never had to emply our own little basket because..guess its easier for you huh...lady says yes it is and continues to ring up our stuff...when shes done im runnin the debit card which i KNOW the the money in it...kiddo takes the bags and stands by the door the lady says come back over here till the transaction is over...I tell lady " shes not leaving the store, just chill the money is about to go through no biggie...so she says LOUDER...Maam is THAT how you let your children act? NOW up till then I was okay...but why the hell would be say something like that its not like my 5 year old was acting out in any way at all and my 15 year old was ONLY standing by the freaking door with our stuff NOT outside the door or even with the doors open!!! So I tell her thats NONE Of her business and I tell her dont dare question me how I do anything with my children. PERIOD! Transaction OVER! After I leave the store I call the number on the receipt to talk to the manager...guess who answers the phone...yeah her! So I ask for the manager..she says..I am the manager..I said, No id like to talk to the "real' manager...she says maam are you the lady who just left the store? I said it doesnt matter i want to talk to the real manager not a check out clerk and it went on from there...I was only doing my job, your child was headed out the door blah blah blah...i said i dont know WHY you are trying to sound as if you are an important person you DO work at a DOLLAR GENERAL STORE you are NOT HIGH CLASS and i will be contacting the Dist. Manager about you. And I will as soon as 9am gets here this morning... lol...it all was funny till she talk about my children...they werent doing anything so thats a no. no. know what i mean?

Then yesterday at the Chinese Rest. A worker there kept. lookin at my 15 year old like i mean lookin lookin...every time and every chance he got...he was prolly 25ish...but shes built pretty good..Thank God looks nothing like me but shes a minor and i hate when grown men stare at her so after about 20 mins of this i asked the super nice waitress , who by the way was over at our table alot playing with my lil one , talkin to her and making her laugh, she was a sweet young lady, anyway i was saying in a joking manor cause i aint stupid i know i could have went to jail if this were ment as a real threat..i said could you plesae go tell this guy over there if he keeps looking at my daughters breasts that i will come over there and stab him in the right eye with my fork...so she did, i heard the guys in the back laugh about it BUT he everytime would come back out never looked in her direction again....so it worked...go mom!!!! lol....enough for now!

day i dunno who cares and all that

I was down to 283.0 and my DH and i went out yesterday to eat...i wanted steak, he wanted freakin chinese, do i ever get my way,hell freakin no so we eat chinese...not only do i eat it and it doesnt even taste that good cause its not my usual place...my blood sugar goes up to 290...freakin horrible...its been so damn good since watching the carbs and stuff....well to today after church what happens...the GIRLS beg me to take them to chinese...what is this?!?!?!? So we go the usual place...i was gonna not eat, just order diet soda or water or something...well like THAT really happened....yeah i ate and ate so two days of eating prolly fuc*ed up three four days of being good....oh well thats always happening.....tomorro will prolly be 295lbs and start losing from scratch...i hate myself....

Day something on Fast but not really fasting anymore lol

Its Thurs night...about 10:30 almost...yesterday morning I woke up totally feeling like I had the flu....I had already gotten my flu shot at the end of Sept so was praying it wasnt...but had the chills, fever, every bone and bone bone thing in my body hurt...was just feeling HORRIBLE!!!! Took some motrin to bring down the fever and hopefully help the body aches..didnt think id be able to drive the lil one to school i felt that bad...dizzy and all...but by the time it was time to take her I was feeling a wee bit better....didnt lose any weight from the day before but its because i didnt fast on just liquids...nope was weak and ate...not alot but had some cheese, okay alot of cheese, can ya tell im a cheese addict?! lol...and some sliced ham and a roll with butter....it was the roll prolly I dunno but i think i ate a couple more things just cant remember what it was...that was from the day before not from the "sick day" didnt eat a thing on that day...so this morning when I weighed, I was down to 283.2...which made me happy...however although I wanted to do my nice lil liquid fast today, I didnt stick to it...I had a nice big salad which is okay...cept for the huge amount of ranch dressing which is not too bad cause its pretty much allowed on Low Carb diets...maybe not THAT much dressing tho lol...but then I ate two donut holes...okay thats not too bad...but just a bit ago I was feeling a bit weird, blamed it on my sugar which it wasnt cause my sugar was fine (I had checked it) and just ate a ham and cheese sandwich WITH bread...so my loss for tomorrow will prolly be zero...however its okay...I can deal with it...

Today I did feel much better, I think its the last day of my AF (period) so the bloating should be better so my cravings for sugar and such should get better...and tomorrow im hitting the gym again...when i first joined a couple months ago i did so well...went at least 5 days a week did really well, stayed and worked my fat arse off for no less than 60 mins, closer to 90 every time...no less than 1mile on treadmill 2000 steps on recumbant crosstrainer and then the weight rest. machines...always felt great afterwards...then got sick and didnt go for a few days, went back, then got sick again was in the hosp for a couple of days and felt poorly so didnt go for a few days and it turned into about a month of not going and just havent "felt" like going...HELL we paid or are paying over 600.00 for a year for this place...best place in town, so im going to start getting off my fat ass and going again....I know how good I feel after I exercise...Its just getting up and getting there....I usually go after dropping off my daughter at school and just go there and then back home after....so anyway gonna go tomorrow and get back in gear...I know it will help my back start to feel better again....after the "beginner exerciser" aches and pains go away like they did last time lol....

Really disappointed in myself for eating bread the other night and tonight...even when ive Low Carbed or am LC'ing I dont eat bread...just got a craving and let the food win...thats what I mean about me being weak....I HATE that about myself!!!! GRRRRR

Took both kids to the doc today to get their flu shots, hope they dont get it...sometimes you can still get the flu even tho you get the shot...that just sucks...Hubby never gets the shots ever and is hardly ever sick, he now is feeling kinda sick but not with flu like symptoms but more like upper resp. stuff going on...hope it doesnt get bad cause man does he get whiny when hes sick...i hear most men are like that...they end up acting like 2 year olds when they are sick lol....Please Lord dont put us through that lol...

Till next time if anyone happens to be reading this...Take Care....

Nove 9 Day 2

So its Day 2 on my Liquid only Fast and I woke up to a wonderful surprise...a 6 pound loss!!!!! How freaking AWESOME!!!! So today I am 288.6 Yeah yeah I know the first few days is only water but I dont give a crap im taking it lol....anyway I did totally great yesterday didnt even cheat when I bought the girls McDonalds...did have a chunk of Colby cheese tho but it didnt kill me and already had a chunk of it today and it wont kill me either but anywho... By the way I forgot to mention I think that my highest weight ever in my whole life was 353!!! But for the last 10 or so years ive been bouncing between 340 and 310 if i was dieting or not...NEVER getting under 300 untill I started fasting...only thing is....I am weak....very very weak...and ive failed so many "diets" that my husband no longer supports my efforts he just shakes his head when I say im starting a new one...so now i dont even tell him anymore. OH and my spelling is HORRID and youve prolly already noticed...sorry about that lol....The lowest weight ive gotten down to with fasting (not total fasting the whole time but fasting for a few days then restricting then fasting then ya know back and forth) was 220...HEY THATS DAMN DAMN good for a fat ass like me!!!!But in the end I always fall back into my old "emotional eating patterns" compulsive overeating...whatever you wanna call it...it always knocks me off my feet....and I can say that I really hate that about myself....anyway Heres to another great day of being a "good girl" and staying in the game!!! Thats what it is really right? A game...A losing game!

Monday Nov 8th

So Yeah after gaining almost all the weight I lost 27lbs total gained all but 15 back...ive started yet another fast...yeah i know how horrible how bad for your body how this how that...at this point i dont give a shi*! It works so im doing it for a few days...This morning im 294.6lbs!!!! started this whole thing actually restarted it for the millionth time oct 3rd at 315 got down to 286ish but decided i needed to screw up badly so I did.

Anywaywho....so I am here again rererererererestarting... I would post a photo of myself but im always behind the camara taking pics not in front of....a trick all of us fat folks learn lol...

So what exactly am i doing you ask (or maybe you dont ask lol) I will be doing a liquid fast...only taking in water, diet cola although sometimes it bloats me, coffee, sweetner added only (fake stuff) tea, and the powerade vit zero stuff...no cals or carbs, that stuff is great....anyway i am diabetic and like a good lil diabetic i check my sugars 4 or so times a day (no really I do, always have) so I will drink some juice or have a bite of something if my sugars get too low. I have always been careful about that...

I dont even know if anyone will ever read any of this but if ya do...and ya think im crazy im not...I dont "think" im ever going to get down to a size 2 HELLO ive ALWAYS been fat...that simply will not happen...but I have always suffered from low self esteem, self image and compulive over eating and I cant just have a little bit, I have to have the whole thing....believe me I know...ive tried every single diet out there....and many that ive hardly been able to afford to go on...and NOTHING but severly restricting or fasting works....and true thus far its not been lasting results but thats been my fault...

Okay...all done for now....till next time...

I was skinny once...

When I was a fetus!!!

Wasnt I Just a doll?  But really I have always ALWAYS been over weight...I was raised by my grandparents...so i was a pround member of the "Clean your plate Club"  I was always eating because of and out of control overbearing Grandmother who ran the home as if it were the ARMY! And had a mother whom just disappeared from my and my older brothers life when we were very very young...I think I was maybe 2 years of age. (Im 38 now) Then just popped right back in one day and acted as if nothing every happened!?!?!?! 

Then there was my Father....  Mr. Tough Guy, Chief Smokeweedalot (We are Cherokee)   Married to someone whom I call Hitler...yes yes I know thats a horrible name to call someone but if YOU were to meet this lady I KNOW you would agree with me 100%!!!! 

Also when I was 5 and in Kindergarden, the same age as my own daughter is now...I was molested by his brother, my uncle...I never said anything until Jr. High School....when I did...did I get support or help for it???? What do you think? Oh helllllll NO...He Calls him over to the house to "confront" me about it...I told him I remember EVERYTHING...and left out NO details at all! And he just simply denied it all and that was that....they all had a few beers and he left and nothing more was said about it...I am a grown women now and it still haunts me at times. Not as badly as it used to but it does at times...BUT guess where the old douchbag is right now as Im typing these words????? Hes Locked up for????Lued acts with a minor, child indangermentand AND child molestation!!!!!! hallelujah!!!! I dont know all the details on the case but I hope my father and his hag of a wife felt "something" when it all went down, althought they never mentioned anything to me.....

Well thats enough for now....maybe ive touched a bit on some of the reasons why i am an emotional eater....maybe